First, let me preface this by saying that there is absolutely no reason to drive while intoxicated. None. I’ve heard acquaintances and even friends tell me stories with excuses. But in every story they end up sounding like an asshole. Because they live far away, they’ll get a ticket if they leave their car there, or they need to be somewhere early the next morning. Asshole, asshole, asshole. There is simply NO reason. There is also something to be said for planning. If you plan on going out to a bar and you have any inclination to drink, then don’t drive. Bus it, walk it, or take a cab. But, shit happens, and I’m much more forgiving of those who recognize they are too intoxicated to drive and make other arrangements. If shit happens and you realize you’re tipsy call a cab or (if you’re in Portland) Ride On.
I’m happy to announce to you that Portland is now home to an organization called Ride On, who will pick you up in SE Portland (Grand, Burnside, 82nd, and Powell are their boundary points at this time) and drive you in your own car anywhere in Portland proper for $10. 
This means, that if you can afford two drinks in Portland, you can afford to get you and your car home safe. As someone who ends up being the designated driver a lot, I’m pretty stoked on this idea. We’ve probably all heard the excuse, “I can’t leave my car here.” And it’s not unheard of for people I barely know to ask me, not only to drive them home, but also to drive them back to their car the next day. While I’m pretty much always a sucker and drive them home, I let them retrieve their own vehicle the next day.
Ride On is a non-profit, so if you’ve got any extra money hangin’ around they would be a good place to donate it. They are planning on expanding the range of pick-ups and drop-offs as soon as funding allows.
The moral of this story? I thought it was obvious: don’t be an asshole.
Imagine if you had to sit on a jury for a drunk driver? I was a hair’s breadth away from having to do that when the asshole made a deal with the judge. Man, if I had had to serve on that jury, I can’t think of anything I could have voted except guilty. Because like you, all I can think of when I hear about people driving drunk is “asshole, asshole, asshole.”